The Multi-Purpose Blog: Shifting Gears Again

In the past few months, the idea of coming back to blogging for a bit has intrigued me, mostly because:

1. I'm pregnant, and I feel crazy for speaking in blog-form in my head on occasion to no one, and 
2. Not many people read my blog posts, so I don't feel like I'm publishing it to my Facebook feed, rubbing it in everyone's face whether they want to know about my personal life or not. (In particular, those that "get sick" of seeing wedding/baby announcements, but more importantly, I'm afraid of being another dark, stormy day to those struggling with miscarriage or infertility.)

I figure if you are reading this blog post, you're looking for my introspective or personal thoughts, or you googled a topic within my blog, which is pretty cool, and I hope you find a friend here.

So, to catch up the world: I was married last year in June this handsome guy. After a summer of craziness with doing an internship, a class in SLC, and work, we moved to Oregon, and in with his parents. To be clear, I never had a desire to live with anyone's parents after I was married. We all optimistically hope we will carry out marital bliss forever with good-paying jobs and no rainy days. I don't think God ever meant us to be without hardship, though, and so why not start as newlyweds? With much prayer, we felt like we needed to move to Oregon for family reasons and, as the weeks and days went on, because we became acutely aware that my husband's shoulder needed surgery sooner than later, and his specialized doctor was also in Oregon. We thought we'd find an apartment somewhere close to his parents, find new jobs, and go on as normal newlyweds, me finishing my degree online while working. Instead, we realized there were no apartments in his small town, and little to no jobs either. Coming from BYU where I was quite independent and could have had a job within a few weeks, I was a bit shocked. We lived with my in-laws for 9 months! I felt like someone was saying, "Congratulations! You're married! Now go live with your in-laws and pay hundreds/thousands of dollars for surgery costs." I'm glad my we could be there for my husband's family though, and eventually, we were able to get part-time jobs, pay off debt, and save up so that we could (finally!) move out and go pursue the rest of my husband's education.

We still live in Oregon now while my husband goes to OIT to pursue medical imaging technology (he's hoping to get into the Nuclear Medicine program.) He works part-time for the athletics department, and I still haven't found work after about 6 months of looking/applying. Our Heavenly Father keeps telling us things will be okay, even if the numbers don't add up. Turns out that it was somewhat of a blessing for me to not have a job in the past few months, as being pregnant has me down for the count most days. It was even a blessing that we did not get pregnant until after 9 months of trying (which we thought was a long time, mostly because you worry whether you can bear children or not, but found out we were lucky compared to some), if only for the reason that it would have been hard to move out while nauseatingly pregnant and exhausted.

Symptoms are getting better (now that I'm 13 weeks), but ever since the week before we found out, I have been exhausted, nauseous, achy, in pain at random times, etc. I think when you hear about pregnancy symptoms, you kind of chuckle and think, "Oh, at least it is only a temporary problem, and the reward is so good, I'm sure those moms don't really mind." While that is somewhat true, I think, "How on earth do people in their first trimester hold down a job? I can't make pancakes or even stand in the shower for 15 minutes without getting super dizzy and feeling like I need to go back to bed!" I never knew how incredibly different every woman's pregnancy can be from their neighbor's or their sister's pregnancy experiences. I told my mom of how exhausted I was, and she was telling me to get tested for iron levels, low thyroid, etc. (...again?... I've always been at least a little more tired than about everyone else, and so I've been tested for these multiple times.) I went to my first doctor's appointment, and she said that if everyone wrote down every single symptom they had while in the first trimester, most women would be surprised how normal their symptoms are when comparing them to the general population.

Also, you know how some women feel so enchanted by the idea that they have a baby growing inside of them, and you assume it would just feel magical or glowing from day 1? I am so excited for that to happen someday! So far, it hasn't sunken in yet. No matter how much I tell people I'm pregnant or talk about "our baby," I feel like I am playing house with my sisters again (except this time I'm adding one wet cotton ball under my shirt each day instead of a ball or pillow.) This has given me a new perspective on those individuals that choose to have abortions. Unless my (or both my baby and my) mortality were at stake, I would never even think about aborting a fetus/baby, but now I understand how some people would be able to go through with it, especially in the first trimester (bear with me on this.) Since it does not feel like there is a life inside you yet, the only things you feel are the symptoms, which can be the worst, especially when you weren't trying to conceive. To be frank, the online pictures of what your baby looks like the first month or two don't help much, as your baby ranges from looking like a tadpole to a Klingon with a deformity, a kidney, an evil genius with a large head, and, well, I could go on, but you get the picture. It is only around the second trimester that what your baby is supposed to look like resembles a normal baby. Size comparisons don't help either-- how am I supposed to feel like there's a new life inside of me when it is compared to beans? The cutest/most animated size comparison I saw early on was a gummy bear, which I could at least imagine dancing.

The point is, until you can feel the baby kick, there's really nothing more than mere glimpses of enlightenment that you are giving life daily to and going to give birth to another human being complete with thoughts, feelings, senses, etc. I can see now how difficult it would be without the concept of life before birth and after death to make sense of the whole thing. I believe the only way of truly understanding and feeling that is through the light of Christ and through the witness of the Holy Ghost. To say it best, "The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God" (Romans 8:16), or The Spirit is the one that can witness that anyone (including a fetus/unborn baby) is a child of God as well. 

So while I don't understand all the reasons others choose abortions and I don't condone them, I know a little what it's like to feel a little disconnected from that love a mother is supposed to have for an unborn baby. If anyone stumbles upon my blog and is struggling with those feelings or with their decision whether or not to keep their pregnancy/baby, leave a comment and we can talk about it via email or something like that.  It is hard to make a decision like that with a clear head when all you can think about is how awfully sick you feel and you'd just like to not feel so terrible anymore (especially if you feel like getting pregnant was an accident or not your fault). I'll be there to listen and (as I majored in Family Life) I can help you through different options and maybe ones you might not have thought of yet (different options for adoption avenues), and the repercussions for any decisions you make. (All of the choices have long-term consequences, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. No solution is simple.) So feel free to talk to me, seriously.